The War of Words
What happens when the meme writers strike?
by Sam Pelletier
Salary negotiations drew to an abrupt end today when union leaders stormed out of a meeting with high profile donors and organizers from prominent liberal groups. The chairpersons of Daily Kos, Moveon.org and the ACLU have made confident and optimistic statements to the press, but sources close to the organizations say the proposed strike could not have come at a worse time. Meanwhile, Horace Petersmark, President of the Fraternal Order of Chant, Slogan, and Meme Writers, voiced his concerns to reporters on the steps of the Santa Barbara Denny’s, where the negotiations were held.
“We’re not asking for a lot,” he said, while adjusting what was clearly the only tie he owns in the whole world.
“We just want our compensation to reflect the work we do. Our chants and memes are seen and heard by millions of people and can change the course of nations and history. Every screenwriter in Hollywood gets six figures minimum. Yet, we’re expected to do our work for stale crackers and exposure. We can’t retain anyone with established talent because as soon as they prove themselves they get a new gig and quit the business. The guy who wrote ‘Yes We Can’ works for ‘Conan’ now. The woman who came up with ‘Black Lives Matter’ is a producer on ‘Rick and Morty.’ Even the hack who thought up ‘Stronger Together’ found work on the last season of ‘The Nightly Show with Larry Wilmore.’ We won’t be able to generate a reliable and consistent product if slogan writing is treated like open mic.”
Fear of a Slogan Shortage
Famed operative Boris Sunderford spoke on record and vindicated the fears of progressive orgs. According to Sunderford there will be a slogan shortage. Boris has consulted for several of the aforementioned groups, as well as the DNC. When asked whether he was violating any confidentiality agreements by speaking to the Press, he assured reporters that the court system in America “clearly has other shit to do right now.”
“If we don’t get the writers on board in time for the immigration march our chants are gonna be garbage,” said Sunderford. “We’ve got an ungodly pile of things to protest on our hands. It’s like the Vietnam war had sex with a segregated lunch counter on top of a strip mine. We absolutely cannot afford a weak chant game while the whole world is watching. Our coalition couldn’t generate all the chants we need under optimal conditions. If there isn’t a deal with chant writers in time we may be responsible for literally destroying the first amendment.”
Clinton Campaign Meme Disaster
Sunderford also has serious concerns about relations with the union’s meme writers. He addresses these concerns in his upcoming book, “No Dank: How Hillary Clinton’s Weak Meme Game Destroyed American Democracy.” His work includes a statistical analysis of the Clinton campaigns disastrously ineffective posts from the beginning of the primaries through to the general election. While Hillary’s non-sponsored shares and likes were never optimal, they took a huge hit after Bernie conceded. This left Clinton with an even larger deficit among the 99.67% of Americans who get the majority of their news from online memes. In an excerpt from page 43, Boris writes:
This is the real cause of the divide between the memers and the left that no-one is talking about. The Hillary campaign blamed the meme writers for an inferior product, and the writers blamed the Clinton campaign for slashing their budget and de-valuing their work. Debbie-Wasserman Schultz famously stated in December of 2015, “Memes don’t matter and we can win without them.’”
The campaign and the party flat out did not understand the most important tool in the election. Once they realized the toll that the memes were taking, they jumped into the comment section without learning how algorithms help comments generate views. Then they just kind of lost the internet with spellcheck posts every night for month. Eventually, a cartoon frog would undue a decade’s worth of progress in civil rights.
Sunderford’s view on resolving the union situation was equally grim.
“The slogan and chant guys can be bought off with small commissions for their work. We’ve done it before,” Sunderford notes. “But a talented meme-lord is an entirely different breed. They crave only attention, admiration, and other substitutes for true human love. We’ll never be able to fill our social media shortages without first finding a way to fill the void in their cold, empty souls.”
Sam performs comedy throughout New England. Catch him at Lincolns on 2.23 and Empire on 2.12 and 2.26.